from Kristen at Birthing Beautiful Ideas, “Equal Opportunity Onslaught”
Why isn’t your body perfect? Why isn’t your life perfect? Don’t you feel like you have it all yet? Is this the year that men can finally have it all? How do you manage having a career and a family? How do you do it all? You must be so busy with work and kids, how do you do it all?
from Elizabeth at Spilt Milk, “The Coming Out Post”
I did not leave my marriage because I’m queer; nor am I queer because I left my marriage. There are a lot of explanations for why I didn’t take the step of talking about the ways in which I do not fit straight until now but, sure, living the Heterosexual Marriage Lifestyle often seemed like such a powerful imperative that there wasn’t much point in finding space for anything else. Wearing a wedding ring was a shibboleth, mentioning my husband when people asked about my pregnancy or later my child, a ticket to social approval. I benefited from heteronormativity even as it erased me, erases me, and people that I love.
I have also discovered that when I used where she was at, as the barometer of how I felt or should feel, I was miserable…continually, or at the very least constantly possessed a grey-wash over my life. And sometimes I literally pulled my hair out (it’s funny now). I later realised this greyness didn’t actually make anything better for her, rather it diminished my resources as a parent to my two girls. We are taught worry is a badge of motherhood, but when it doesn’t help, do we actually need to wear it? Is there an alternative? I propose there is and it involves centring yourself and not being the wave of emotion, rather witnessing it with compassion for the other and self.