I seem to be having panic attacks. Or something. I wake up way too early in the mornings and then spend hours nauseated, sometimes vomiting, heart racing in bursts or waves or whatever they are, cold and hot, groggy, jumpy, unable to sit still to read a board book or really listen to Noah. Even on a ‘good’ day, I can’t eat in the morning–and I’m having trouble eating an appropriate amount late in the day when I feel better, too. I don’t know how to express how utterly useless I am most mornings now, and how bad I feel physically. It’s actually unreal-seeming to me that such little-sounding symptoms are so overpowering in my life right now, but this has been my experience of the past four weeks.
Being sick in this way is the main reason I’ve sort of fallen off the internet recently. It eats up so much of my time that getting through my teaching work and our household work is even harder than it should be. But most of all, it just feels AWFUL awful awful.
And it’s so bizarre! Sure I have a lot on my plate right now. But I’m under way less pressure than I’ve been under at many other times, and I am far less nervous and worried than I’ve often been. Family life is good. Our finances are good. I go to sleep easily at night. I enjoy doing non-work things. And then I wake up in this physical experience that sucks so much, and it’s far more dramatic on work days (weekend mornings close to normal), and yet it doesn’t involve me thinking negative thoughts or worrying about what needs to get done, just the body experience and an utter inability to quiet it.
I’ve sought various kinds of care, of course. The most pointless therapist in the world was baffled, wanted me to have more drama in my life, and suggested I search the internet to see if there are any suggestions “out there” that resonate with me. My primary care provider found that her preferred meds for this situation are incompatible with breast feeding; the first week I tried it, a nightly antihistamine actually eliminated the problem, But then it came back. I’m trying calcium/magnesium and a B complex. I’ve dramatically cut my caffeine intake, mostly because I can’t stomach coffee and can’t manage tea until the afternoon, and I’ve noticed that my heart rate is strangely reactive even when I’m far from a panic attack (racing and pounding more now with climbing stairs or drinking coffee), which feels weird. And I know getting more sleep would be good, but that appears to be impossible! I’m reluctant to try Zoloft for various reasons–most of all the slow buildup and difficulty involved in going off and on–and am running out of options here. And the disconnect between my experience of my own stress and anxiety levels (on one hand) and this ongoing physical thing (on the other) weirds me out.
Anyway … That’s where I’ve been. Hope y’all are doing better than me!